Alphabetise your tins.
Weep over your sock-drawer.
Marie Kondo your address book.
Finish your novel, or start it.
Exercise, exercise, exercise; sing and dance; play the bagpipes. Video yourself.
Don’t upset the neighbours.
Don’t panic buy.
Don’t run out.
Watch Netflix, Amazon Prime, Apple TV, Virgin, YouTube, Vimeo, Curzon, MUBI, NT Live, your DVD collection and never the news.
Praise ‘our NHS’, publicly and at length, not forgetting the Eritreans, Asians and Europeans dying for you. Video yourself.
Forget what you voted for.
Praise shop staff.
Spit in their faces.
Don’t let virus in; don’t let virus out.
Check your temperature.
Play with your kids.
Batter your partner.
Take out your appendix using an online tutorial.
Eat cardboard, but only washed cardboard.
Cultivate constipation. Do not video yourself.
Keep in touch with friends and neighbours by telephone, Skype, Zoom, Instagram, FaceTime, Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp, Twitter, email and occasionally screaming from the window.
Curse your wi-fi.
Contemplate your relationships.
If you don’t have relationships, contemplate your projects.
If you don’t have projects, contemplate self-isolation.